The Second Spouse Syndrome
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“I worked for a small construction company and they had cash flow issues.” I never want to work for a small company again.
“I worked for a big company and they didn’t care about their employees.” I never want to work for a big company again.
“I worked for a boss that was near retirement age and he didn’t believe in technology.” I never want to work for a company run by a senior again.
“I don’t believe in bonus’s because my last two companies said they paid bonus and then they didn’t.” I want it all in the base salary.

We call this the second spouse syndrome.  Saying things similar to above is like asking on the first date, “Who do you currently spend the holidays with?”, so you can rule them in or out on that one question.

In your first marriage, you didn’t like having to spend the holidays with your spouse’s family and have terrible memories and regrets from not splitting the time with your family. You could be walking away from the love of your life who yes, currently spends the holidays with their family. However, that is only because he or she does not have another side of the family to consider right now and not because it has to always be that way. In the same way, you could rule out an employee or employer because they resemble something in the past that you haven’t gotten over.

If you are in fear of something that happened to you before happening again, you should walk away. Although fear stands for “False Evidence Appearing Real”, until you can stop looking back and focus on looking forward, you might miss out on a valuable career move or the love of your life. The real underlying issue is forgiveness to the other person, yourself or both for having been in that past situation and creating the ability to move on.

The same holds true for employers. 

If you had bad experiences with people coming out of a particular company, or you have a predetermined opinion to how someone might behave or perform within your company, walk away.  Until you can see differently you will see what you are looking for.

Despite recognizing that both employees and employers often miss out on what could be the right match for them, we do not push the match.  Why? Because after twenty-five years of match making, when it is meant to be, both sides are willing to address concerns and provide back up to show what is resembled or assumed is not what is reality.

It can be a simple thing like a preconceived thought that, because they went to college on a sports scholarship, they did not do well academically.  Transcripts can prove otherwise. It can be an assumption that, an employer is antiquated when it comes to technology.Asking the question leads you to find out they were a test company for the most popular construction software in the industry. They embrace and operate new technology with ease.

Company size and bonus plans are the two biggest misconceptions we see.  A company’s size does not determine its liquidity, culture or business plan.  The irony behind bonus payments is that typically, the more stable companies keep base salaries lower and sustainable.  They pay bonus and profit sharing as finances and performance permit, to maintain sustainable growth. Proof of this can be easily confirmed through conversations with other employees to verify, or sometimes the company itself will show historical data. This environment provides stability and often more growth than other companies because they take time to calculate the next move and discuss the future.

The apostle Paul said, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things and the God of peace will be with you”

Focus on what good came out of your past and take time to seek the truth with opportunities put in front of you.  If you keep having negative history repeat itself, the second spouse syndrome could be why.

What can you do to seek the truth to factually verses fearfully determine the match for you?

What are you closed minded to?  Take Queen Elsa’s advice in Frozen and “Let it Go”

Your second spouse, next employer etc. could end up being the match you love to boast about. All because of your ability to love them enough to address concerns and work through them.

Peace Be with You,

Suzanne Breistol

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